[Note: these are conveniently staggering numbers that I found following a google search for "how many vehicles are in Jakarta". I have no idea if they are accurate. If we go on "feel" alone, I'd say they are conservative but that's because - at certain times during the day - stepping outside kind of feels like french kissing an exhaust pipe.]
Traffic anecdotes aren't going to suffice. If you want an authentic Jakartan traffic experience without physically coming here, we need something else. So, I give you the "driving-in-Jakarta Simulator"! Get your driving gloves on! Simulation begins in 3....2......1
Seatbelts on. Remember how to drive a manual? Good - now just reverse everything you remember about your hand-foot coordination so that you are shifting with your left instead of your right. And don't forget, you drive on the left-hand side in these parts. There is zero tolerance for forgetting that rule so opt to remember it. Driver should always be closest to the median. No problem, right? (Talk to me after your first right-hand turn). Easy does it into that first intersection. Stop signs don't seem to exist in Jakarta. The four-way rule only sort of applies. It's not exactly first come, first move in a clockwise fashion, it's more just who ever moves first. Moving along, here we go. Time to merge onto the main highway. Don't forget your blinker! No, no, no, that's your windshield wiper...other side, friend. The blinker is on the other side. Whoa! Mind the crazy scooter drivers! I know, I know, they come out of no where with no warning. But if you hit one, it will be your fault because fault lies with whomever can afford the repairs and since you are a foreign passport holder, that means you.
It's rush hour, did you forget? You can't be on this highway unless there are three people in the car. C'mon, it's an honest attempt to reduce traffic congestion during the busiest times of the day. What are you going to do? a) Suck it up and pay the $20 fine (don't be fooled: the cops wait on the entrance ramps and will pull you over), b) turn around and attempt to find another route or c) be a local, pick up two of those people standing on the side of the road waiting for just this purpose and pay them $2 each to be your extra passengers. Remember: moms with babies count as 2!! That's right, the correct answer is C. Whatever you do, do not attempt B. Attempting B will murder the rest of your day and you will likely end up in another city, possibly on another island, altogether.
Ok, so now we have our "professional" passengers earning an honest wage, we are on the main highway in the direction we want to head and so now we .....wait. I know it's only another half mile until your exit, but do you know how long it could be before you get there? Put it this way, you could probably do your taxes and finish with spare time. You won't be getting out of first gear, that's for sure. This, my friends, is why everyone in Jakarta who can afford it has a driver. Because spending hours in the car is a huge waste of time. So, instead, you can do more important things from a passenger seat, like reach level 44 on your phone's version of Super Jewel Quest. I hope you remembered to pack a snack and some water. I hope you remembered to go to the bathroom before you got into this car. I hope you weren't in a hurry.
Note to you: if you are in a hurry, a better option than a car is an "ojek", i.e., the back of a scooter. You can find Ojek drivers on most street corners. You haggle a price, they hand you a helmut that smells like a sleeping bag after a summer at sleep away camp, and away you go. The simulator for the ojek is an entirely different Jakarta traffic experience. Namely, it lacks air conditioning and might involve you losing a kneecap. The brilliance of a scooter is that it fits in places that cars don't. Scooters cut commute time in half. They also make vehicular homicide something car drivers need to be concerned about.
Back to our car and our traffic. You've found a break in the congestion and things are moving at a decent clip. I know it's hard to stay in your lane when, at any given moment, your lane disappears or is divided into two. Never mind that when you were driving on this street yesterday there only seemed to be two lanes of traffic. Today there are four lanes because that is what is needed. Do what I do and just follow the guy in front of you. Oh, crap. You just missed your turn. Yes, yes you did. The street signs here are perpendicular to the streets, not parallel. I know. It doesn't make any flippin sense but it is how it is and now you need to turn around. Don't fret! See that guy standing over there who looks like he's just randomly hanging out in the middle of about six lanes of traffic? Well, he needs a job and so he's created one for himself and if you just lean out the window and hand him 50 cents, he will single-handedly create an opportunity for you to make a U-turn. Go ahead. It's a very empowering experience.
Now that you've got your blinker figured out and your street located, here you are! Just get yourself parked! Given the number of vehicles in this city, it continues to shock me that parking is never an issue. Either there is a garage or another entrepreneural Jakartan ready to find a spot for you. I've even seen front-row "ladies parking" at one mall. There are no meters. No street cleaning. If someone doesn't want you to park in front of a house or business, they just put a concrete-filled pot in the space. It's a very direct way to communicate the rules.
Congratulations! You just made it to Wednesday's infant play group! This is not a small accomplishment! Seriously, the first time I did it I was left feeling like.."man, anything else I get done today is just icing."
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